The Riddle Rambler

So here are some of my more recent and favorite snaps. I absolutely love this one of Jake and Alaina. We were enjoying a weekend in La Jolla with Nanna, Grandpa, Uncle Jake and Aunts Kaycie and Haylee. It never ceases to surprise me how gracefully and generously my family has grown into their roles as our family has grown and changed in dynamics and numbers. Jake has been the most fun to watch. I remember when he was born, how he was my favorite little brother. (No injury meant toward Josh). But Jake and I shared a special bond, one that manifested itself on more than one occasion as he would call out for me in the middle of the night- not mom-, when he would search me out for a special hug, and a warming smile. He tries to pretend that those tender tendencies grew out of him, just as he grew out of that cute little round face I remember with such happiness. But he doesn't fool me, and he doesn't fool Alaina. For her Uncle Jake is a protector, and playmate and someone to turn to when she is sad. She often seeks him out as soon as we get to his house, asking where he is and when he will be back. He has grown to be a welcome and loved fixture in her world - a source of fun and love. The big muscles, and the feigned scowl do not intimidate her, for she knows that just below the facade, lies a sweet boy, who has more than enough love and tenderness than he knows what to do with. She will gladly let some of that embrace her as often as he is willing. I am so glad that my children have someone like Jake to look up to, to love, and to be around. Matthew is going to be 2 in just a couple of weeks. I CAN NOT believe it. Everyday I try to pay close attention to the world as it might appear through his eyes. But seeing as his perception of the world probably changes daily, as he grows and changes every day, I can't keep up. He has taught me that no two children are alike. No two children go about things quite the same way. And no matter what, there will always be surprises. And he has reminded me that your sister can be your best friend and your hero. He absolutely adores Alaina. First thing in the morning he is asking for Anawnie (Alaina in Matt-anese). And after patiently waiting as long as he possibly can, he will totter into her room, pull himself up on her bed, and give her a kiss and a snuggle to get her up and out of bed! When she goes to play with a friend, or when she is still napping when he gets up, he faithfully asks for her until I go get her, or she awakens to his persistent plea's for her attention. He tries so hard to be a good boy, but doesn't have to try at all to be mischievous and sometimes downright exasperating. I know the next two years will be chuck full of adventure and mis-haps. And hopefully I will be able to keep up! Now for Alaina. I think she will be the end of me some days, and other's she is my savior! We are so much alike, we can't possibly get along all of the time. If that makes any sense. Both of us passionate, both of us very close to our emotions, both of us all too easily a slave to our temper, but gratefully, just as faithful to a repentant heart. I wish I was a better example of a steady, even keel, balanced, temperant mother, but that is part of the "growing out of the child I am, and into the woman I need to be." She is constantly overwhelming me with her grasp of the world around her. She is so aware and so ready to assimilate and consume the information around her. She knows how to process the things she hears and sees, to make sense of it and incorporate it into the world she is trying to create for herself. She is much better at this than I ever was or hope to be and for that reason she often has covered ground much more quickly than I have. I often find myself trying to keep up with her exquisite and detailed logic. Most times arguing with her is futile. She is much like her father in that regard. I am just too slow, they are ALWAYS at least two steps ahead of me, but more times that not they have already found their way to the next page. Her dad is patient and waits for me to catch up, but Alaina just gets frustrated with me. What was the Lord thinking? I 'll tell you what the Lord was thinking, "This poor helpless woman won't ever make it alone. I better send her a husband who will be patient and children who will pull her along in the right direction." Thankfully the Lord has been watching out for me, and I know my family will get me where I need to be, or at least keep me on the right path. Which brings me to this picture. Sunday was Chuck's birthday, and seeing as he refuses to let me take a picture of him, or at least one where he isn't ducking his head, or turning his body completely away from it, a picture of his presents will have to do. I sometimes find myself resenting his birthday. And before you think I am some kind of un-loving monster, let me explain. See Chuck perceives his birthday in one of two ways, sometimes simultaneously, sometimes separately: 1st, he thinks that this annual celebration of his life, his integral part in the world we have come to love more because he is in it, is really a wicked and tormenting reminder that he is one year closer to dying. Cheery isn't he? And 2nd, birthdays are just unnecessary reminders to the rest of us that he is a part of our lives, resulting in gift giving and mementos that symbolize our love for him. He has an aversion to anyone getting him anything it seems. Silly silly man. So in light of his all too pessimistic attitude regarding September the 2nd, you might be able to understand my wariness of the occasion. And in response I would like to rebut his arguments and attempt to explain to him how absolutely and completely and hopelessly grateful I am for his birthday. Presents or not, old age or not.

See most of us go through much of our early lives desperately trying to prove that we are self-sufficient. We want to prove ourselves capable and masterfully skilled at traversing life on our own. Most of us start out attempting to establish that we are one of a kind and completely independent of any other person. We don't want to be grouped with this or that kind of persona, we don't want to fall into anyone's pre-determined mold. We tenaciously try to carve out our unique mark on the world. And, then for me anyway, I found Chuck. And seemingly overnight I cast all that self-righteous and sadly skewed philosophy to the wind. See, when I met him I decided I wanted more than anything to depend on someone else - him , to climb the hills and descend the valleys with someone else - him. I wanted more than anything to become one with someone else, by giving up all the superficial parts of me. I wanted to be known as his wife and his life. I desperately wanted to be everything he wanted me to be, because I knew he saw me better than I could ever possibly be. And I wanted the mark I made on the world to be one carved out with him. So if I didn't have his birthday to celebrate it would mean that there would be less of me. It would mean that all the good things in my life would not be. But there is a September 2nd to celebrate, and day of gratitude for the beautiful life he has led, the wonderful person he is, and the bright future that lies before us.
I love you Chuck, and Happy Birthday!